September 15th, 2010: Dear Mom...

This is the letter I should send to my mother. I won't. Because while it might make me feel better about saying some of things I want to say, it will only cause her - if my mentioning it on the phone is any indication - more anger and rage, something none of us need right now.

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dear mom,

i hope that you'll enjoy the marijuana cookies i sent you and use them every day. that medicine - as all of your children will tell you - seems to be very helpful in keeping you in a good mood and out of pain. and i'm glad you got them in time. finding a way to safely send them to you was important.

as the new year begins and the call to be introspective is strongest, i believe it's time that we face a few difficult facts as a family:

first on dad: dad is dying more quickly now. both physically and cognitively. he requires round-the-clock care and assistance which means hiring someone to be awake and available for the overnight shift at home. this will allow you to get more sleep... which you need. getting up throughout the night in order to supervise dad's frequent urination and wandering is having a negative effect on you. i'll talk to pam about the options. but that's only an intermediate step. when dad's physical condition deteriorates to the point of not being able to move without assistance, we'll need to consider putting him into a nursing home. there, hopefully, he can receive more appropriate care in an environment that's already suitable for wheelchairs and handicapped functionality. but that means we really should start doing research on which potential places would be a suitable fit for the family. ignoring these facts now will simply cause more pain later. the time to start exploring options is now.

lastly on you: now is the time for you to engage in some form of therapy. it's not appropriate for you to continue yelling and screaming at your husband and children, mom. it doesn't help dad, it doesn't help you and it makes your kids feel awkward and sad. so please stop stalling, making excuses and blaming me for bringing up the obvious: you deserve the luxury of having a professional to help you cope with your emotions of grief, pain, sadness and anger. your children love you, we want the best for you but we don't like you constantly yelling at us. 

while you've been very successful at handling some of your cancer recovery on your own, you need some help in dealing with your emotions. and there's nothing wrong with that, so don't blame yourself or feel like you've failed: and as we discussed while i was back east this summer, there's nothing wrong with needing help. everyone needs help. everyone including you. and no amount of yelling at me is ever going to change that.

as i promised on the phone today, i will continue to recommend what i feel is right for you and dad at this time. you don't have to agree with me, but i'll still share it with you and hope that you take some of my recommendations.

love,

david